Setting Up a Sacred Place

Here's a picture of the space where I work.  It can get pretty hectic around here, dealing with clients who are at the most stressful point in their lives.  That's why it's important for me to create some breathing space where I work.  One of the things I've done is post motivational phrases, as well as pictures of my family, on my walls, and at my desk.  I also have a message board that I can change every day, right in the entrance to my work space.  I change the message every day, with a different inspirational line or few.  My desk is at an intersection in the office, so the area gets a lot of traffic, and the message board gets a lot of people who stop and read it.  It's kind of a small sacred place that I've set up, right in the office.

In Genesis 35, right in the middle of chaotic events, Jacob has an experience with God.  To mark that sacred place, Jacob sets us a pillar and anoints it with oil.  This became a marker where generations who came after him could stop and remember that God was still speaking, and that God still cared.  It was a stone at an intersection, a message board at a crossroads in Jacob's life and in the lives of those who went to that place for inspiration.

What sacred places do you have in your life?  Do you have a place of worship, or a trout stream, or a mountain, or a favorite chair in your living room, where you can go to meet with God?  Do you have a way of marking your own private space as holy, to remind you that even in the middle of chaos, God is still speaking, and God still cares?  I encourage you to take some time to create some sacred space in your life where you can find peace, and share that peace with others.

"Breathing Space"

When I was a kid, my brother and I were always wrestling with each other.  We didn't actually fight much--our goal was to see who could pin the other down and dominate the other.  Being the youngest, I generally lost.  To this day, I can't stand to watch professional wrestlers put each other in choke holds, or pin their opponents in ways where they don't have room to breathe.  Sometimes, when life seems like it closes in or gets oppressive, I feel stifled, choked, like I just need some breathing space.  That's when I try to step away from the situation and just breathe.

Working with people in crisis, I often find that clients come into my office filled with anxiety and fear.  Much of that is, honestly, merited, given the traumas they have gone through.  But nothing can be accomplished when stress remains at such a high level.  Often, I ask clients to pause and breathe with me.  They find that this helps--not only because their body needs oxygen, but because returning to their breath means focusing on that which is most basic.

Your breath is the most basic thing in life.  It's what makes you alive.  Genesis 2:7 says that God breathed into Adam the breath of life, and he became a living being.  That same God is breathing on you today, filling you with energy, filling you with Spirit, inviting you to inhale the goodness of God's presence.  When life stresses you out, don't forget to breathe.  And in that breath, find your peace.

It's 2019--and I want some EGG NOG!

When I was a kid, my family would go to a New Year's Eve party every year at the home of my dad's best friend from high school.  We kids would play together, ring in the new year, and enjoy all the food and drink--at least, the drink that we were allowed to have.  Every year, we were told that we weren't allowed to drink the egg nog.  For the longest time, I didn't understand why--only that it was a "grownup drink."  So I came to associate egg nog with being a grownup.  

In this New Year, I'm asking myself what I would like most in 2019.  At 46, I've decided that I want to be more grownup--that I want some EGG NOG!  Rather than resolutions that say "I'd like to do this or that this year," I've simply decided I want to drink more from the following six character traits.  I want to be more...

Ecumenical.  Along with my move to the Pacific Northwest comes a move from the Southern Baptist Convention.  I find myself surrounded by churches and denominations I've never heard of.  It seems I don't fit very well into the religious landscape--and that's okay.  Being ecumenical means that I'm not Baptist or any other sect--I'm simply a follower of Jesus.  Being employed outside of full-time ministry means I don't have to tow any denominational lines that I might disagree with.  It means I can embrace all that is good from the entire Christian family.  Ephesians 4:5-6 (NLT) says, "There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all, in all, and living through all."  By becoming more ecumenical, I recognize that just as God is greater than I can imagine, so is God's family.

Maybe you want to be more ecumenical this year as well.  It doesn't mean you have to give up on your church or denomination.  It doesn't mean you compromise your beliefs.  It means you're willing to invite others to a bigger table.


Generous.  James 1:27 (NLT) reminds me that faith is not something to have, it's something to put into practice.  "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."  Working with homeless people, I have a daily reminder of how fortunate I am, and how many are in serious need.  I have a serious problem with the common phrase, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."  I know that people use that expression to mean, "I could be in that position myself, if it weren't for God's grace."  But that aphorism suggests that the people whose struggle is so great that it merits your comment are somehow outside the grace of God.  Before you post your #blessed, think how smug it makes you sound to the very people you're comparing yourself to.  This year, I want to develop the kind of personal generosity that not only gives financially to those in need, but the kind that gives the grace of God to others.  God's grace isn't something that separates me from the less fortunate--it is something that connects me to them.  It's something that commands me to be as generous with others as God has been generous to me.

If you want to be more generous this year, consider first a change in attitude.  A generous attitude isn't one that throws coins at a beggar--it's one that sees the beggar as no different than yourself.  It's a willingness to throw your arms around that person and accept them as an equal.  Only from such a position can you be truly generous--financially, and otherwise. 

Gentle.  Philippians 4:5 (NHEB) says, "Let your gentleness be known to all people. The Lord is near."  I have to admit that sometimes, when I get irritated, it's hard for me to be gentle.  But God's nearness provides everything I need to access the gentle spirit of Jesus and be gentle myself.  God is not far away from me, and neither is the gentleness that God asks of me.  In fact, God doesn't ask me to be anything that God doesn't provide.  So, receiving God's gentleness means I can reflect it to others.  Being gentle means being "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry (James 1:19 (NLT)."  Lately, I've been reminding myself to be a better listener, and less of a talker.  Simply practicing this results in being angry less often, because I've found my understanding increasing as I actively listen to others instead of focusing on what I'm going to say next.  Maybe you'll find the same true for you.

Do you want to be more gentle this year?  Gentleness is one of the Fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).  If you're a Christian, ask the Holy Spirit to plant seeds of gentleness in your heart.  Cultivate these seeds by active listening, and watch them grow.


Novel.  Though I written novels, I've never found a publisher who wanted to publish them.  But the word "novel" means more than a fiction book.  It means "creative."  Novelties are original things that stem from the imagination, and inspire more creativity.  God's inventive Spirit crafted canyons, designed dragonflies, set the stars in space.  The incredible thing is that God created humanity in God's own image, which means you and I are gifted with the same amazing novelty that God has.  I want to be more creative in 2019--which means I need to take the time to ponder, reflect, and imagine.  Then I need to implement what my heart generates--whether that's writing or other inventive ideas.

Maybe you'd like to be more novel this year.  One way to do that is to keep a journal of all the ideas you have.  Whether you think they're ingenious or silly--write them down, without judging them.  Sometimes the strangest of ideas is also the most brilliant.  By keeping an idea journal, you can treasure things that God gives you in your heart, pondering them until you bring them to fruition (Luke 2:19).


Open-minded.  I think that the more I judge myself and others, the less ecumenical, generous, gentle, and novel I become.  Withholding judgment doesn't mean that everything's okay--it just lets God be the judge instead of trying to put myself on the throne.  When I make myself the judge, then I put myself in God's place--and that's a dangerous thing to do.  Instead, I remind myself that I'm not called to judge; I'm called to love.  And all of a sudden, the world opens to me and becomes a beautiful place.  I can have a conversation with the Sikh man I see at the store, or with the trans woman I work with, without fear of their differences. In fact, I welcome the differences, understanding that these people make me richer for knowing them.  By letting God be God, I find that I'm free to let them be them, which allows me to be me.

If you want to be more open-minded this year, try this: Every time you're tempted to pull back from someone because they're different from you, just say this to yourself-- "God has not called me to judge; God has called me to love."  I began doing this a couple of years ago, and it has made a huge difference in my relationship with God, my relationship with others, and my understanding of myself.  Remember, "For God so loved the world..." means that God wants you to love the world, too (John 3:16).


Genuine.  In 2019, I want to be more genuine.  This might be hard for some to understand, but I'll dare to say that my shift from being a pastor to being a social worker allows me to be more genuine with people.  If that sounds wrong to you, it's because you've probably never been a pastor.  Unfortunately, pastors are all too often governed by other people's expectations, to the degree that they can sometimes be less than genuine about who they are and what they think.  In an attempt to be "all things to all people (1 Corinthians 9:19-23)," they often lose themselves.  It's no surprise, then, that the people that Jesus chides the most are the religious leaders who are less than genuine.  He takes a whole chapter (Matthew 23) denouncing hypocrisy.  So, rather than trying to be something I'm not--or rather than pretending I think something I don't, just so I can tow a denomination line or look good to someone else--I think I'll try to be more genuine in 2019.  I've got to ask myself who I care more about pleasing--God or people.  Proverbs 29:25 (NLT) says, "Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety."  It's better to trust the Lord for the righteousness that only Jesus gives by grace, than it is to fear the judgment of people, and put on a pseudo-righteousness that doesn't fool anybody.

Do you want to be more genuine this year?  It's as simple as this--forget about what people expect of you, and focus on what God expects of you.  You'll be amazed that it's easier to please God than it is to please people, anyway.


Maybe I wasn't wrong to associate egg nog with being an adult.  But I think the kind of EGG NOG I've talked about above will mature me far more than anything I could drink.  God wants us all to "mature to the full measure of the stature of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed about by the waves and carried around by every wind of teaching and by the clever cunning of men in their deceitful scheming.  Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Christ Himself, who is the head (Ephesians 4:13b-15)."  I'll pray for your New Year's resolutions, if you'll pray for mine.  But I hope that yours are more about becoming the kind of person you need to be this year, than they are about some checklist of things to get done.  And I pray that the God who began a good work in you would be faithful to complete it.

"O Tannenbaum!"

            It's Christmas, and the sights, sounds, and smells of the season are everywhere.  Did you ever wonder where your favorite Christmas traditions came from?  If the first Christmas, the birth of the Christ child, happened over two thousand years ago in the Middle East—how come so many of our traditions have to do with snow?  In one pivotal movement, when the apostle Paul had decided to take the gospel eastward, he had a vision in which a man from Macedonia pleaded for him to bring Christian teaching westward (Acts 16:6-10).  From that time on, Christianity became a predominantly European religion, and its traditions derived largely from Europe as well.  Hence, the cold weather traditions.  The Roman Catholic church celebrated the Christ Mass as a minor observance, but as the faith reached deeper into pagan territory, Christianity began to develop holiday traditions that competed with non-Christian practices. 

Lights.  The winter solstice, called Yule by many pagans, marked the shortest day of the year.  This meant it was the last day that the days grew shorter, and the first day that light would begin to return.  Pagans would light a Yule log to welcome the light.  This seemed to correspond to the Jewish festival of lights called Hanukah.  Likewise, i made sense for Christians to celebrate the increasing light as the time when Jesus, the Light of the World, was born—even though he was probably born in springtime.  All of our Christmas holidays involving lights trace back to these roots.

Mistletoe.  One website says, “According to Francis X. Weiser, in his Handbook of Christian Feasts and Customs: ‘The Mistletoe was a sacred plant in the pagan religion of the Druids in Britain. It was believed to have all sorts of miraculous qualities: the power of healing diseases, making poisons harmless, living fertility to humans and animals, protecting from witchcraft, banning evil spirits, bringing good luck and great blessings. In fact, it was considered so sacred that even enemies who happened to meet beneath a Mistletoe in the forest would lay down their arms, exchange a friendly greeting, and keep a truce until the following day. From this old custom grew the practice of suspending Mistletoe over a doorway or in a room as a token of good will and peace to all comers. [p. 104]’”[i]

Holly.  Pagan yuletide celebrations involved decorating with these holy plants.  The Scottish and Irish Society of the Black Hills reports, “To the Druids, it was holly's evergreen nature that made it special. They believed that it remained green to help keep the earth beautiful when the deciduous trees (such as the oak, which they also held sacred) shed their leaves. It was also their custom to wear it in their hair when they ventured into the forests to watch the priests collecting mistletoe.”[ii]  As Christians adopted these plants for their own use, they changed the significance of the red berries from representing the blood of the goddess, to the blood of Christ.

The Christmas Tree.  History.com tells us, “Germany is credited with starting the Christmas tree tradition as we now know it in the 16th century when devout Christians brought decorated trees into their homes. Some built Christmas pyramids of wood and decorated them with evergreens and candles if wood was scarce. It is a widely held belief that Martin Luther, the 16th-century Protestant reformer, first added lighted candles to a tree. Walking toward his home one winter evening, composing a sermon, he was awed by the brilliance of stars twinkling amidst evergreens. To recapture the scene for his family, he erected a tree in the main room and wired its branches with lighted candles.”[iii]  What started as the German Tannenbaum became the English Christmas tree.

Jolly Old St. Nicholas.  The St. Nicholas Center reports: “The true story of Santa Claus begins with Nicholas, who was born during the third century in the village of Patara. At the time the area was Greek and is now on the southern coast of Turkey. His wealthy parents, who raised him to be a devout Christian, died in an epidemic while Nicholas was still young. Obeying Jesus' words to "sell what you own and give the money to the poor," Nicholas used his whole inheritance to assist the needy, the sick, and the suffering. He dedicated his life to serving God and was made Bishop of Myra while still a young man. Bishop Nicholas became known throughout the land for his generosity to those in need, his love for children.”[iv]  Today, “Santa Claus” gives gifts in honor of St. Nicholas of Myra’s generosity, and to honor the Christ child who is present in all children.

We have so many Christmas traditions that it would be a long article indeed if we were to discuss them all.  What can Christians take away from a discussion of the history of the holiday?  Some Christians believe it’s wrong to incorporate practices from other religions in our celebrations, but I have a different opinion.

It’s good to have traditions.  Just as Christians’ spiritual ancestors, the Jewish people, had traditions to celebrate culturally and religiously significant events, out traditions reinforce those things that make our faith so dear.

Traditions teach our children.  In Deuteronomy 6:4-12, God tells the Hebrew people to impart their heritage to their children, and to do it using holy narrative, sacred song, and even divine decorating as tools for teaching.  As Christians, we do the same thing with our Christian traditions.

It’s okay to borrow.  Psalm 24:1[v] says, “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.   The world and all its people belong to him.”  Remember, unless you’re 100% Jewish, it’s not just the Jewish people who are your spiritual ancestors.  You are the offspring of the world, and it’s important to remember that all cultures have something to offer.  It’s been said that “whatever is good, belongs to me, as a Christian.”  So as Christians it’s okay to borrow, to adopt, to adapt, and to make something our own. 

Ecclesiastes 1:9-10 says, “History merely repeats itself.  It has all been done before.  Nothing under the sun is truly new.  People say, ‘Here is something new!’ But actually it is old; nothing is ever truly new.”  When Christians encounter ancient traditions that come from outside of our own faith and practice, we have three choices.  We can reject them outright, we can receive them in their totality, or we can redeem them, and make them out own.  This is what we have done with the world’s winter traditions—we have made them Christian.  From donating to charity to decking the halls, from carols to candles, we love our Christmas traditions.  We don’t need to reject them just because we find out where they came from.  All that is good belongs to us as Christians.  If we have “baptized” those traditions and placed them under the blood of Jesus, they become Christian practices for us.    So I hope, if grinches come around to steal the joy of your Christmas traditions, you won’t let their humbuggery get you down.  Deck the halls, light the tree, give your gifts, and do it all to honor Jesus!

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[i] http://www.blackhillscelticevents.org/Events/CelticMistle.htm  November 12, 2018.

[ii] http://www.blackhillscelticevents.org/Events/CelticHolly.htm.  November 12, 2018.

[iii] https://www.history.com/topics/christmas/history-of-christmas-trees.  November 12, 2018.

[iv] http://www.stnicholascenter.org/pages/who-is-st-nicholas/.  November 12, 2018.

[v] Scripture quotations taken from the NLT.

"The Little Drummer Boy"

            For the past five years, Mary Burton has asked me to play the drum while her daughter Barbara plays the piano, as we regale the church with our rendition of The Little Drummer Boy.  Written in 1941 by Katherine Kennicott Davis as Carol of the Drum, and popularized over a decade later, the song tells the story of a young boy who came to worship the baby Jesus.  As the song progresses, we hear him tell about his unorthodox gift.  I’ve included the lyrics, minus the repetition and drumming words:

Come they told me

A new born king to see

Our finest gifts we bring

To lay before the king

So to honor him

When we come

Little baby

I am a poor boy too

I have no gift to bring

That's fit to give our king

Shall I play for you

Mary nodded

The ox and lamb kept time

I played my drum for him

I played my best for him

Then he smiled at me

Me and my drum[i]

            Though this is a favorite Christmas song for many, you might not stop to look at the message it gives.  This message is, I believe, the central understanding the church needs to have, as it looks to the future. 

1.      Holy Curiosity.  As the boy was surrounded by magi from distant lands, diverse races,  and probably other religions, so the Western church finds itself overwhelmed by the world’s diversity that has shown up at our doors.  How we interact with them will determine the future of the church.  The little drummer boy was no doubt from Bethlehem.  He could have tried to shoo away the foreigners who showed up in his town.  Could have roused a mob to do the shooing, anyway.  But instead, he responded to the outsiders with curiosity instead of defensiveness.  Instead of feeling threatened, he decided to welcome and include them.  If the Western church is going to survive the next generation or two, we’ve got to do the same.  Unfortunately, too many Christians have taken a defensive posture against “outsiders,” instead of showing the kind of holy curiosity that will allow us to grow.

2.      Creative Generosity.  As the magi laid their lavish presents before the babe in the manger, the little boy stood by sheepishly, feeling that he had nothing to give.  Then he realized that, if he was creative in his understanding of generosity, he had something quite valuable to lend to the occasion.  What he was lacking in finances, he made up for in enthusiasm, creativity, and willingness to share.  He realized that creative generosity isn’t all bout gold, frankincense, myrrh, tithes, or offerings.  He understood that he could give his heart, his talent, and his time.  And Jesus smiled at that.  If the church is going to continue into the future, we’ve got to practice creative generosity.  The older generation that used to tithe (give 10% of their income) religiously is either dying out, or is on a fixed income and often unable to support the church as they once did.  The younger generation struggles financially like no generation before it, so often they can’t afford to throw money into church coffers.  This could bode poorly for the financial future of the institution—unless we practice creative generosity.  We’ve got to reimagine our personal and our church budgets, giving imaginatively out of more than just our finances, and re-visioning what it means to give to God our very best.

3.      Worship Velocity.  (I’ll tell you what I mean by that in a minute.)  When the little drummer boy decided to give his best to Jesus, he pulled out his drum and began to bang.  We like to sing about the Silent Night, but just imagine how this impromptu worship service split the silence!  That little boy gave up all pretense of reverence and woke up the cows, donkeys, chickens, and the baby himself as he beat his drum to the glory of God.  He knew something about worship velocity.  Velocity is the speed at which something is carried forward.  “A little child shall lead them,” says the Bible—and that little child did!  He pounded his heart out in worship, moving the magi and the holy family forward with such velocity that they had no choice but to join in the song.

Of course, you know the story of the Little Drummer Boy isn’t in the Bible.  That’s a good thing—because your story isn’t in the Bible, either!  At its core, the Christmas story invites into the narrative those who don’t belong.  The eastern travelers didn’t belong in Bethlehem.  The shepherds didn’t belong in polite company any more than a newborn baby belonged in a stable.  But God’s plan invites and includes all who will come by faith.  So why not add a little drummer boy to the tale?  Why not include YOU, for that matter?  And as for you, why not include all the “others” that you don’t think necessarily fit into your tale?  You’ll be the richer for it, as they bring their unique gifts and personalities and traditions. 

This year, maybe you’ll hear The Little Drummer Boy at church or on the radio.  I hope when you hear it, you’ll be reminded of what the church needs, if it is going to carry the message of Jesus into the future.  We need some holy curiosity, some creative generosity, and we need to move forward with worship velocity.  I hope your Christmas traditions won’t simply be ones that “take you back.”  I hope they will launch you and your church into a brilliant future.

Merry Christmas!

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[i] Songwriters: Henry Onorati / Katherine K. Davis / Harry Simeone

Little Drummer Boy lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, International Korwin Corp

Preparing the Way for the Next Person

This past Sunday, I gave my resignation to the people of Bethel Baptist Church, where I have served as pastor for the past five and a half years.  It's a time of sorrow as I leave them and my family in Virginia, but also a time of absolute joy as I prepare to turn my fiance into my wife by the exchange of vows and rings.  A new social work job in Washington State awaits me, as well as a new life, eventually in Canada, with Christina.

As I reflect back on my twenty-six years of ministry in Virginia Baptist churches, I remember many people saying to me, "We're glad for your ministry at our church, and you need to know that the things you did here were absolutely instrumental to prepare us for the next pastor who followed after you."  Specifically, people have said that to me regarding the last two churches I served before coming to Bethel.

Now, upon hearing this, my ego has said, "Wait a minute!  I believe my job was more than just preparing the way for somebody else!"  Because we all like to think that what we're doing right now is more than just a foundation for another person to build on.  But now that I've had time to reflect on this, I am not just comfortable with that idea--I embrace it.  After all, the pastor who came before me in every church I served was probably told the same thing, that they prepared the way for me.  Generations come and go, and all we ever do is build on what was given to us, and prepare the way for the next.

My morning devotion time led me to the ministry of John the Baptist, who was sent by God to prepare the way for Jesus.  While his ministry was good for its own sake, and many people were touched by it, his mission was to prepare people's hearts for something beyond himself.  In Matthew 3:1-12, there are four phrases that stand out to me, that I'd like to share with you.

1. Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.  That word "repent" simply means "change."  You can't encounter Jesus without there being some kind of change in your life.  Too many Christians expect to enter heaven without any substantial change to their lives or personalities--but the presence of Christ in our hearts demands change.  It means more than embracing God.  It means embracing all people, and learning to love unconditionally, the way that Jesus does.  Because heaven is "at hand," (meaning HERE and NOW), our lives ought to be fundamentally changed.  Instead of resisting change in our lives (and in our churches), we need to embrace it.
2. Prepare the way of the Lord.  In other words, it's not about me, and it's not about you.  It never was.  It's about the realm of God expanding in the world.  It's about the Way, the Truth, and the Life coursing like blood through the veins of the universe, pulsing and drumming a beat to which we can all dance.  My job, your job, is not to make it happen, but simply to prepare the way.  We can't make it happen.  We can't force it.  As ministers--as Christians--all any of us can do is prepare the way for God.  
3. Bear fruit.  It's impossible to call yourself an "alive" kind of Christian without bearing fruit.  The living God wants living disciples to produce good things.  This fruit is described as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  When you let the Spirit of God change you--really change you to your core--then you'll be fruitful.  And this fruit will nourish other people, so that they, too, will be ready for the coming of Christ into their lives.
4. Do not presume.  The longer phrase is, "Do not presume to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father, for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham." John is telling them not to rely on their heritage, which can bog them down in religiosity, but to seek the things of the Spirit.  This applies to Christians today as well.  I think that the simple phrase "do not presume" simply reminds us not to go through life presumptuously.  It's an invitation to be open to what God is doing, rather than assuming we already have it all figured out.  Maybe God is doing a new thing, that your fathers and mothers never dreamed of!  Be open--and so prepare the way of the Lord.

As I shift from full-time Christian ministry, to become a case manager who helps homeless people, I'm having to come to terms with my sense of identity.  I'm aware that my calling hasn't changed--only the setting.  I'm still ministering.  This is still Gospel work.  It's just the nature of ministry that has changed.  And even if my job were in a button factory, I'd still be a minister.  We all are ministers, if we take up the call of John the Baptist.  We all are evangelists, if we embrace change, if we prepare the way of the Lord, if we bear fruit, and if we faithfully refuse to be presumptuous.

So as I leave Bethel, and as I leave the full-time pastorate, I hope people will tell me, "Our next pastor is doing such a great job!  The church is growing and flourishing!"  Because in part, I hope I've contributed to the success of the next man or woman to fill the pulpit, just as the pastor who preceded me contributed to mine.

And I hope that you will see that your job as a parent, as a teacher, as a manager, laborer, helper, employer or employee, or whatever your role is on this earth--is all about preparing the way for the next person to come along.  It's about giving them something to build on.  And it's about preparing the way of the Lord.

Be blessed.  

"Baby, It's Cold Outside"

            As you listen to Christmas songs this season, you may hear “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”[i]  The song a duet, typically between a male vocalist who is referred to as “wolf” in the score, and a female vocalist who is called “mouse” in the score.  As the catchy tune frolics on, the woman insists that she has to go home, but the man tells her it’s cold outside, and she really should stay the night.  She says that her family will be worried, and he insists on pouring her another drink.  She says that the she’s concerned about her reputation, but he doesn’t listen, continuing to pour on manipulative compliments.  She says that he ought to say no to his advances, but he moves closer, asking, “what’s the sense in hurting my pride?”  She threatens the reprisals of her family, but he waves that off.  At one point she asks, “Say, what’s in this drink?” indicating that she believes that he’s drugged her to get her to stay.  The more she resists, the more he insists.  Finally, he gets his way and she decides to stay—but one is left wondering whether with all the pressure it really was her choice. 

            Now, I know I’m treading on thin ice by slaughtering this sacred cow—but just because it’s a popular Christmas song with a catchy tune and long tradition, that doesn’t make it right.  In fact, I’d say it’s not a Christmas song at all—it’s just a winter song.  And no matter what time of the year it is, it’s never too cold outside for a man to respect a woman’s wishes, and it’s never the wrong season for a woman to expect that a man should understand that her “no” means “no.”  In fact, the man in the song doesn’t really love the woman.  He’s not genuinely concerned for her warmth and safety—he’s just trying to get his way so he can have his way, if you know what I mean.

            If you don’t see a problem with this song, then you’re probably a part of the problem.  Ours is a culture that sexualizes and disrespects women, a culture that empowers men or at least excuses them if they treat women as sexual objects rather than precious treasures that they are.  Unfortunately, demeaning and devaluing women has a long and glorious history that goes back to Old Testament times.  Women in those days were bought and sold in marriage.  Women were seen as such a burden that a father had to pay a dowry in order to convince a man to marry his daughter.  In other cases, if a woman was to be valued, she was treasured as an object of property or wealth.  Her virginity had a dollar amount attached to it.  Exodus 22:16-17 says, “If a man entices a virgin who is not betrothed, and lies with her, he shall surely pay the bride-price for her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money according to the bride-price of virgins.”[ii]  The reason the man must pay her father is that he had defiled her, and that she is used goods, so to speak.  So we have a long tradition of treating women like they are sexual objects, whose virtue is to be bought, sold, or just grabbed by men.  Unfortunately, popular Christmas songs bear that out.

            In Deuteronomy 22, a woman’s desirability as a wife was measured by whether or not she was a virgin when she got married.  And if she wasn’t a virgin, she’d be stoned to death.  People didn’t believe a woman’s testimony.  A rape was only considered a rape if she cried out, and if there was someone who heard her.  Rapists could get the death penalty—a harsher sentence than today—but there was a way out of that.  If the woman was unmarried and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are found out, then the man who lay with her shall give to the young woman’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife because he has humbled her; he shall not be permitted to divorce her all his days (vv. 28-29).”  So if your daughter is raped, she’s lost her value—so the best thing is to get her rapist to pay you and then to marry her, and she can never divorce him.  You see how women were devalued in those days?  Do you really think it’s much better today?

            Right now, celebrities, politicians, and well-known businessmen are being called on the carpet for sexual harassment, sexual assault, and rape.  The #MeToo and Time’s Up movements are all about confronting sexual harassment and sexual assault, declaring that it’s time for these things to end, and calling men to act like men, not animals.  Now, I’ll be the first to say that sexual harassment and assault isn’t always perpetrated by men, but that is the overwhelming majority of the case.  We’ve got to teach our boys that when a woman says “no,” that means “no,” and that saying, “Baby, it’s cold outside,” and arguing and manipulating is wrong.  We’ve got to teach them that if she has any reason to ask, “Say, what’s in this drink?” you’ve already gone too far.  No woman should ever feel unsafe around a gentleman—in fact, God gave gentlemen to women to keep them safe, not to make them feel vulnerable. 

            Instead of following the sexual mores of his day, Jesus always treated women with respect.  He valued them, and treated them as equals—even and perhaps especially those women who had been sexualized by society.  He taught people to treat others the way they want to be treated (Matthew 7:12).  Men, this means respecting, honoring, defending, cherishing all women, and never treating them as sexual objects, worthy of harassment, assault, and rape.  It means treating all women the way you’d treat your mother or sister—with dignity, respect, and godly love.

            Not only do we need to teach our boys to treat women well—we’ve also got to teach our girls not to be mice who fall for wolfish words.  Don’t let “Baby, it’s cold outside,” or any other convincing, harassing, or manipulative words talk you into giving up what you’re not ready to give away.  Don’t be afraid to meet force with force—because if he’s treating you the way he wants to be treated, and he’s sexually assaulting you, then you have the right to use force to get away.  And if he takes what you never meant to give, don’t ever let shame tell you that it’s your fault or that you’ve lost your value.  You, my dear, are a daughter of the King, and are always precious in God’s eyes. 

            In Matthew 5:7, Jesus says, “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.”  This means saying what you mean, and meaning what you say.  It also means respecting another person’s “yes” as “yes,” and letting their “no” mean “no.”  It means being a person of integrity—in the good weather and the bad, and even when it’s cold outside.

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[i] “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”  1944.  Words by Frank Loesser. 

[ii] Scripture quotations are taken from the NKJV.