As
you listen to Christmas songs this season, you may hear “Baby It’s Cold
Outside.”[i] The song a duet, typically between a male
vocalist who is referred to as “wolf” in the score, and a female vocalist who
is called “mouse” in the score. As the
catchy tune frolics on, the woman insists that she has to go home, but the man
tells her it’s cold outside, and she really should stay the night. She says that her family will be worried, and
he insists on pouring her another drink.
She says that the she’s concerned about her reputation, but he doesn’t
listen, continuing to pour on manipulative compliments. She says that he ought to say no to his
advances, but he moves closer, asking, “what’s the sense in hurting my
pride?” She threatens the reprisals of
her family, but he waves that off. At
one point she asks, “Say, what’s in this drink?” indicating that she believes
that he’s drugged her to get her to stay.
The more she resists, the more he insists. Finally, he gets his way and she decides to
stay—but one is left wondering whether with all the pressure it really was her
choice.
Now,
I know I’m treading on thin ice by slaughtering this sacred cow—but just
because it’s a popular Christmas song with a catchy tune and long tradition,
that doesn’t make it right. In fact, I’d
say it’s not a Christmas song at all—it’s just a winter song. And no matter what time of the year it is,
it’s never too cold outside for a man to respect a woman’s wishes, and it’s
never the wrong season for a woman to expect that a man should understand that
her “no” means “no.” In fact, the man in
the song doesn’t really love the woman.
He’s not genuinely concerned for her warmth and safety—he’s just trying
to get his way so he can have his way, if you know what I mean.
If
you don’t see a problem with this song, then you’re probably a part of the
problem. Ours is a culture that
sexualizes and disrespects women, a culture that empowers men or at least
excuses them if they treat women as sexual objects rather than precious
treasures that they are. Unfortunately,
demeaning and devaluing women has a long and glorious history that goes back to
Old Testament times. Women in those days
were bought and sold in marriage. Women
were seen as such a burden that a father had to pay a dowry in order to
convince a man to marry his daughter. In
other cases, if a woman was to be valued, she was treasured as an object of
property or wealth. Her virginity had a
dollar amount attached to it. Exodus
22:16-17 says, “If a man entices a virgin
who is not betrothed, and lies with her, he shall surely pay the bride-price
for her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he
shall pay money according to the bride-price of virgins.”[ii] The reason the man must pay her father is
that he had defiled her, and that she is used goods, so to speak. So we have a long tradition of treating women
like they are sexual objects, whose virtue is to be bought, sold, or just
grabbed by men. Unfortunately, popular
Christmas songs bear that out.
In
Deuteronomy 22, a woman’s desirability as a wife was measured by whether or not
she was a virgin when she got married.
And if she wasn’t a virgin, she’d be stoned to death. People didn’t believe a woman’s
testimony. A rape was only considered a
rape if she cried out, and if there was someone who heard her. Rapists could get the death penalty—a harsher
sentence than today—but there was a way out of that. If the woman was unmarried and he seizes her and lies with her, and they
are found out, then the man who lay with her shall give to the young woman’s
father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife because he has
humbled her; he shall not be permitted to divorce her all his days (vv.
28-29).” So if your daughter is
raped, she’s lost her value—so the best thing is to get her rapist to pay you
and then to marry her, and she can never divorce him. You see how women were devalued in those
days? Do you really think it’s much
better today?
Right
now, celebrities, politicians, and well-known businessmen are being called on
the carpet for sexual harassment, sexual assault, and rape. The #MeToo and Time’s Up movements are all
about confronting sexual harassment and sexual assault, declaring that it’s
time for these things to end, and calling men to act like men, not
animals. Now, I’ll be the first to say
that sexual harassment and assault isn’t always perpetrated by men, but that is
the overwhelming majority of the case.
We’ve got to teach our boys that when a woman says “no,” that means
“no,” and that saying, “Baby, it’s cold outside,” and arguing and manipulating
is wrong. We’ve got to teach them that
if she has any reason to ask, “Say, what’s in this drink?” you’ve already gone
too far. No woman should ever feel
unsafe around a gentleman—in fact, God gave gentlemen to women to keep them
safe, not to make them feel vulnerable.
Instead
of following the sexual mores of his day, Jesus always treated women with
respect. He valued them, and treated
them as equals—even and perhaps especially those women who had been sexualized
by society. He taught people to treat
others the way they want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). Men, this means respecting, honoring,
defending, cherishing all women, and never treating them as sexual objects,
worthy of harassment, assault, and rape.
It means treating all women the way you’d treat your mother or
sister—with dignity, respect, and godly love.
Not
only do we need to teach our boys to treat women well—we’ve also got to teach
our girls not to be mice who fall for wolfish words. Don’t let “Baby, it’s cold outside,” or any
other convincing, harassing, or manipulative words talk you into giving up what
you’re not ready to give away. Don’t be
afraid to meet force with force—because if he’s treating you the way he wants
to be treated, and he’s sexually assaulting you, then you have the right to use
force to get away. And if he takes what
you never meant to give, don’t ever let shame tell you that it’s your fault or
that you’ve lost your value. You, my
dear, are a daughter of the King, and are always precious in God’s eyes.
In Matthew
5:7, Jesus says, “But let your ‘Yes’ be
‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil
one.” This means saying what you
mean, and meaning what you say. It also
means respecting another person’s “yes” as “yes,” and letting their “no” mean
“no.” It means being a person of
integrity—in the good weather and the bad, and even when it’s cold outside.
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