With a painful, screwed-up face, Fonzie says, "I was wrrrrrrr...... I was wrrrrooooo......" But no matter how hard he tries, Fonzie can never quite say he was wrong. The audience laughs, but apologies are no laughing matter. They make the difference between pain and healing, war and peace. All too often, we get so stuck on being right, that we make it more important than being loving.
If you're like me, you were taught to apologize when you say or do something hurtful. There are many variations on this. Some believe they should ask forgiveness only when they've done someting intentionally mean. I used to be one of these--but I learned that I can do loads of damage without meaning to. So I expanded my repertoire to include those inadvertent things that may cause people harm.
Others beg pardon for their very existence. Most likely because when they were young, they had a stern authority figure who made them feel guilty about everything they did. When people are made to say sorry, some become too apologetica, while others resist apologizing altogether. Nothing they do is wrong. Oh, they may say something conciliatory like, "I'm sorry you were offended," but that's not a real apology. It has all the form but none of the substance, and it only makes peace with someone who's not really listening.
So, what makes for a good apology? I saw a sign that said, "Proper apologies have three parts. 1. What I did was wrong. 2. I feel badly that I hurt you. 3. How can I make this better." I might add that a good apology also promises to make an effort not to make the same mistake in the future.
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Up to this point, most people would agree with me. This is how your mama raised you. But a lot of folks have a tough time dealing with the idea of initiating reconciliation if they weren't the one in the wrong. They say, "I'll forgive them once they apologize to me!" But Jesus said, "If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God (Matthew 5:23-24 NLT)." Notice, he didn't say, "you suddenly remember that YOU have something against SOMEONE." He specifically painted a scenario where someone else believes you to be at fault. So Jesus puts the responsibility for reconciliation on my shoulders--regardless of fault. Apologies aren't simply for when I know I'm wrong. They're also for when someone else thinks I'm wrong. So I can apologize even when I don't believe it's my fault.
How do I do this? In the course of any disagreement, misunderstanding, argument, or altercation, if I genuinely look at what has transpired, I can find something that I did wrong in that moment. So my apology might not be "my point in the argument was wrong," if I thought I was right. That would be dishonest. But it might say something like, "I'm sorry that I handled that poorly. I allowed it to become an argument. I believe this so passionately, but that doesn't give me the right to act the way I did. I know that I let my anger get out of hand, and that hurt you. I'd like to apologize, and tell you that I'll communicate better in the future." That kind of apology is completely real, but it doesn't say that my position was incorrect. So this is an example of how I can apologize when someone is hurt by something I said, even if I feel my position was right.
But what if someone is hurt by a perceived offense, that not only did I not intend, but that I don't believe I actually did? If I admit to the offense, isn't that wrong? First, I might want to consider that the other person might be right. I don't think I yelled (for instance)--but maybe I did. Maybe their perception was more accurate than mine in that moment. Second, even if I didn't yell, if I behaved in a way that made them FEEL that they were yelled at, I probably did something wrong. Third, I might consider that when I take the blame for something I didn't do, I'm actually acting like Jesus.
2 Corinthians 5:21 says that God made Jesus, who never sinned, to become sin itself, so that we could be made right with God through Christ. In this view of what Jesus did on the cross, Jesus exchanged his sinlessness for our sin, taking upon himself the name of sinner. In his book Cross Vision, Gregory Boyd explains that God values relationship so much that God is willing to be misunderstood, for the sake of reconciliation. Isaiah 53:4 (CEV) gives us a key word that we usually miss--so my emphasis is in bold print. "We in turn regarded him stricken, struck down by God, and afflicted." It's not that Jesus WAS stricken, struck down by God, and afflicted. It's not that he WAS guilty, or even (as so many churches teach) that God treated him as if he were guilty (which wouldn't be either justice or mercy)--but that Jesus allowed people to view sin in him, even though he was innocent, so that he could demonstrate the gentle, non-retaliatory, and self-sacrificial love of God.
I can do this on a personal level, when a friend or a stranger believes I've wronged them. I can allow them to perceive me as guilty, without feeling the need to defend myself. I can apologize for the the things I did that may have made the matter worse, even if I can't in good conscience apologize for my stance on an issue.
I can also do this on a corporate level. When a person of color, who has experienced not only personal trauma but historical and racial trauma, recounts to me the things that my ancestors have done to oppress his people, I am more than willing to apologize for what my people have done. I have done this many times, with many individuals, and you'd be amazed at how peacemaking it can be. It doesn't mean that I feel I am personally responsible for the behavior of slave traders and conquerors from generations past--but it means I regret their horrible actions, and will do whatever I can to heal hurts that may have stemmed from those atrocities. It means I'm willing to put relationship above my personal fragile defensiveness, enough to say, "I'm sorry."
Now, I realize that many of you were made to apologize to people when you were kids, even if you didn't feel you were at fault. Some of you may have become overly apologetic, while others may stubbornly refuse to make amends. Maybe it's triggering for you, if I tell you that you should do this. So instead of asking you to follow suit, I will only tell you the blessing that it has been for me, to be willing to lay my back open to the scourgers, to take the blame for something that may not even be my fault. Because, at the end of it all, there is resurrection, reconciliation and restoration. Maybe it's not just because I've moved to Canada, that I'm able to say I'm sorry. Instead I think it's because I want to be just a little bit like Jesus.
Photo credit: "fyi" by zappowbang is licensed under CC BY 2.0
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